| I never thought you could be that way, but you looked like me on Sunday |
[06 Dec 2006|11:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
This'll be it for a while as far as the postings go. I think Ryan's taking his computer over the next few days, so it will be a while before I have to dough for one. I'll try and post every so often from random places where ever I can get a hold of a computer. Until next time...
|
|
| Oh you look so beautiful tonight. |
[24 Nov 2006|04:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
What a strange amalgam of emotion I am right now. I hate the holidays. Thanksgiving was really amazing and still I just can't shake the feeling that everything sucks right now. I really fucking miss my uncle Billy. Thanksgiving was his holiday. It just sucks.
Ryan's in Vegas. I'm pretty sure he's mad at me too. Here's my answer to that: for once Ryan, once, think about another angle of the situation. How many times have you told me you were going to do something and then you didn't? Countless, right? And I realize this is much more important and I know you have every intention of coming back here. I have no doubt in my mind. Whether or not it's actually going to happen is another thing, not because I question your integrity, it's just you have this wonderful ability to procrastinate to an extent where things because irreparable. How many times have you chosen something else over me? Whether it was me finding my own way to/from work, me wanting to go to the movies or out to dinner and sitting and waiting and waiting for you to finish something for the school or for a parent or for your student. I'm just trying to protect myself right now. I've been hurt enough already. I miss talkig to you and I don't want this to be a big problem between us because your pride's hurt. Put it aside for this, please. I don't know.
Besides that I will be on my way up to MA/NH in a few weeks (pending things go smoothly with my ticket). I can not believe I'm about to be finalizing this divorce in like ... 2 weeks. God damn. What a wonderful addition of things that go with the "shitty holiday feel" if you will.
|
|
| Starlight |
[21 Oct 2006|12:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
Far away
The ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
Starlight
I will be chasing the starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive
But I'll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
Far away
The ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
And I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
I just wanted to hold
and on that note, it's time to go do laundry, alone.
|
|
| For what it's worth, I love you. And what is worse, I really do. |
[04 Oct 2006|01:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
So I'm sitting here chilling, waiting to go to the new job. I have a monster headache right now, I think it's just like me being nervous. I bought some dickies scrubs which look marvelous (or ... like scrubs) and I am now only in need of some new footwear which I shall purchase probably this weekend.
Someone needs to fly down to Florida and MAKE me do laundry. I should've done it Monday and I've been getting by on luck. Today I wear the scrubs I bought so I don't necessarily need other clean clothes. But I'm now officially out of pants and I'm getting damn close with the socks too.
Decided to try and lose some lbs. over the next few months. We shall see if I can do it on my own. I'M COMING UP FOR XMAS!! ok. Had to get that out of my system.
|
|
| So entwined now that we can't shake free. |
[30 Sep 2006|02:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
morose |
] |
It's been a very thought provoking week. It's been a very contemplative night. I'm tired of waiting on things. I'm really tired of things not being done unless I do them myself. Can I depend on no one? Moving on.
I'm feeling me some Depeche Mode right now. Wishing I had somewhere to be and some peeps to hang out with. Maybe not, though. Not really sure what kind of mood I'm in right now.
I really want to get a tattoo when I come up for xmas. I wanna fix the one I have in the middle of my back. It's gonna be expensive to fix but maybe I can save up the money. I feel as though I deserve to do something for myself.
I think I figured out that the mood I'm in would best be described as morose. What do Becca and Emerald want for xmas btw since I'll BE THERE live and in person..... via satellite lol.
Lot of birthdays coming up.
I just want this stupid divorce to be over. I just want it to be fucking over. Why does it have to take so long?
|
|
| Vamos a jugar a la playa |
[22 Sep 2006|12:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 psyched |
] |
So.... I got a new job!!! I'm so excited I can barely contain myself. That's right folks, I'm definitely doing the clicky fingers right now. I'm going to be working in a chiropractic clinic starting out doing paperwork and filing and stuff but then I'm going to be learning how to do therapy on the patients. There are a million things I'm going to be learning and there are like a bunch of training seminars I might be able to go to in Georgia. This is gonna be great (I hope). And the added bonus is that my grandmother will finally stop harping me about school. It's like school/job all in one. It also does julian fries but I'm not sure how to work that part yet. I'm gonna go jump around my apartment and freak out.
|
|
|
[12 Sep 2006|01:54pm] |
|
yes, I just realized that I put the group name outkast up there instead of the real word. I soo just woke up lol
|
|
| Bring me a light, make my life worth something more. |
[12 Sep 2006|01:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exanimate |
] |
So, Mom/Gram/Aunt Trisha totally bought me a ticket to come up and see everyone for xmas. I'm psyched. Called my boss and was just like "hey, so... I'm going up for xmas... I'm giving you 3 months notice, you totally can not tell me no." but he was really cool because he kinda knew Ryan and I were getting divorced so he was like "no, I completely understand, you need that time with your family. " So super yay. I still have to call my grandmother and thank her though. That's always shitty because she does that benevolent ruler thing. Kiss the ring, praise her for 15 minutes then sit and get a lecture about why I haven't finished school and what I'm doing wrong with life. Like I need that right now. lol.
I've been doing a lot of weighing of the pros and cons lists as far as staying here to live and leaving for NE and it's kinda not getting me anywhere. I mean it is. I see that staying down here is definitely a better set up for me right now, but I just can't seem to let go of the idea of living near mom/katie/eme/becca, etc. I'm a slash-using-crazy-lady. If I move up there I'm jsut going to be trying to rebuild what I had down here. I have a pretty decent job with seniority, I have a pretty decent car. I have a shitty apartment, but it's my shitty apartment (very important). I have some really good friends down here who are really being like a second family. I know mom will always be there for me when I need her, it just sucks and a perfect example of why is right now I'm here in this state and I have not one single person here whom I am related to. Holidays suck because you feel like the biggest outkast and people like... make you come to there stuff because you're usually not doing anything for them.
In other news my friend who used to be my neighbor is totally a stripper living in Daytona now. Funny shit. I told her that I need to find out where she's working. All else is the same. Spend most days sulking around until it's time for work. I've never watched so much TV in my life and I really only get about ...12 real channels. Ryan's parents keep bugging him to come back to Vegas which is what I think he really needs right now but he's so immersed in the school that he just won't leave it.
I just hope we can hurry these divorce proceedings along. I've had a pile of Ryan's stuff sitting at my front door now for like... 2 or 3 weeks. It's like a constant reminder of our failed effort. Not only that but the ticket my family bought me to return to NH for xmas definitely was done in my maiden name so, the sooner I can start the name change stuff the better just becuase it always takes forever.
I'm in the market for computer because the one I'm typing on right this very moment is definitely Ryan's. I'm thinking I want a dell but I would need to start a bank account, get a check card and purchase it that way. We'll see how much money I can save over the next few months I guess.
I've been on a Sevendust kick. Remember that song "Angel's Son" by Strait Up? That was so great.
|
|
| Rain City |
[31 Aug 2006|01:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
Opened my eyes had a dream last night
that both my arms were broken,
Evening time,
Help me now or hold me down,
I feel my world is tumbling,
Spiral down,
Oh my love I can’t let go,
Something’s wrong I can’t let go,
Natures cruel she laughs at me,
As I make my way through the century,
As I slowly turn to house dust,
Tumbling down,
The rain comes down like a victory,
In sheets of shining memory,
Over and over,
Circling around,
Oh my love I can’t let go,
Something’s wrong I can’t let go,
Natures cruel she laughs at me,
Almost too much for my heart,
When it rains,
Oh tears my soul apart,
When it rains,
It's rains so slowly,
In the city
Where I'm from
|
|
|
[29 Aug 2006|01:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
drained |
] |
So I'm filling out divorce paper work right now. There's a really good chance that I'll be a divorcee within the next week or so.... that's so weird. I really thought this was going to be long and drawn out and stuff, but it's not. I'm so glad.
Ryan came over today. Yesterday was the first day I'd seen him since Sunday and it was just emotional. I couldn't help myself. It was just weird being where he works and where I trained and it felt so normal but it wasn't anymore. Hard to explain.
Been doing a lot of thinking and cleaning and reminiscing about a lot of things: High school, Vegas, here. Just.... weird. I would say it's surreal because the pain is very real. It hurts and I feel it very sharply. I don't know what I want to do. Life is open to me right now. Go back to Mass? Stay here? Move somewhere else? I don't know. It just kinda sucks. No, it really sucks. I know it's right and it's what needs to be done, it just sucks so hard and I hate feeling like this. So fucking lonely now. Just the presence of another warm body you know? Knowing there was someone else here.
I changed Ryan's ringtone to "Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley. I really don't think it could've been put any better.
There are no hard feelings and I hope he believes me when I say that because there really aren't. I'm glad we could be so mature about it, and put it behind us because honestly, there's nothing to be upset about. All the things we were mad/upset at each other for during the marriage don't matter anymore. It's not my business anymore what he does about things and vice versa. I really do hope we'll be able to get this all squared away so we can move on from it and heal ourselves. I will miss just hanging out with him. This is true. I will miss just hanging out and getting fucked up with him. He always made me laugh. Maybe it'll happen again in the future. Who knows?
Turin Brakes. That's all I have to say. Awesome. I have my bro to thank for them. Great band. He's always good for music man. He's how I manage to stay alive down here. He asked if I wanted a room mate though. I told him no lol. Unless Emerald asked if I wanted a room mate then I'd actually think about it.
What I really can't deal with is the way Dave and Rachael are acting. I appreciate the support guys but you don't need to keep tabs on me like I'm on suicide watch or anything. Everyday I work they're there. Every day I don't they're calling. They want me to move back in with them. Rachael's doing that "it'll be ok. Gimme a hug. Everyone loves you" stuff and I'm so not the type of person for that shit you know? I mean I really appreciate that she's there for me. Just be there for me. Don't freak out like I need constant reminders that it'll be ok. I know it will. After seeing ryan today I know it will. It's just going to take time. I'm so glad we can talk.
I would like to take a trip in the winter up to Ma/NH. We shall see if that pans out or not. I'm not exactly sure if the money will be there. Here's hoping. Ryan said he would help me out with that, but that's like... not something I'm going to bank on just because I don't know how the school will be and how he'll be doing as far as finding a place for himself and bills and such. Right now I'm just gonna hope for the best and let life take me where it does. I am standing on the brink of an absolutely enormous change in my life and I'd just like to see where it takes me.
|
|
| "Last Goodbye" |
[27 Aug 2006|02:05pm] |
This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then i'll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you'll ever know
This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Baby, maybe it's just because i didn't know you at all
Kiss me, please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know it makes me so angry 'cause i know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye
Did you say 'no, this can't happen to me,'
And did you rush to the phone to call
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
Saying maybe you didn't know him at all
You didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know
Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that it's over... it's over
|
|
| I don't feel better when I'm fucking around |
[10 Aug 2006|02:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
okay |
] |
Been a month almost exactly. Let's see what to update. Katie went home yesterday. Figured I would be like relieved but I'm more upset than I am relieved. I'll get over it.
School is officially open. Super yay. They have something like 63 students now. They signed up 32 student in one day and since then it's been taking off. As a result Ryan is a mythological creature to me. lol. But it's ok. He's working toward something so big, I need to let him do it.
Not much else going down. New girl previously mentioned is not working out so well (surprise, surprise). I see another few weeks for her.
Working tonight :( which always sucks but need the money so I'll put up with it..... for now. lol. Speaking of which I need to go get my ass ready
|
|
| Words, like violence, break the silence, come crashing in, into my little world |
[10 Jul 2006|01:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lazy |
] |
So let's see, possibly the first class of Ryan's school in the newly constructed building. keep your fingers crossed for the final inspection. if it fails I have a feeling Corry Miller (contractor) is going to die.
katie's been down for about 3 weeks so far and it's been pretty cool having someone around all the time. i figured I would be a little bit on the tired-of-never-being-alone side but i guess i was lonelier than i thought. I never really took in how much i am alone. She and I are about to go run some errands in a momento and I think we're going to stop and get a milkshake as well. Might get some real food first though, not completely sure. With her being down here though I have a feeling I'm gonna be needing to lose some weight when she leaves because all i ever do with her is eat. lol. That's ok though, it's something we both thoroughly enjoy doing.
Hired a new girl at work ::crosses finger(pleaseworkoutpleaseworkout):: hoping for the best but not counting my chickens before they hatch.
house got broken into, dunno if i told anybody that yet. we came back from house sitting for Walter and Nancy and someone had taken our playstation 2. what a drag man. i was so totally upset about that. just the fact that every time i walk in the kitchen and see the sneaker marks on the wall under the window freaks me out. makes me worry about leaving katie here mainly.
besides that katie and i dyed our hair and it definetly came out great. her's is like dark burgundy and mine was like barbie-hot pink. crazy.
i tested for my purple belt and passed so super yay. from there its only blue, red, brown, black. damn. did a demo today for tae kwon do and i feel like it went ok. that's all i can really think of right now so ...
|
|
| Kiss Me, Please Kiss Me. Kiss Me Out of Desire, Baby, Not Consolation |
[08 Jun 2006|02:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 seepy |
] |
Yes so Matt came down and I got to see him and hang out. That was great (thus the new subject title taken from a Jeff Buckley song) Love getting new music that I really like. This song is so wonderful. I had pretty much forgotten about it until he came down here with the CD and he was like 'you know this, burn this." Good to see him. In other news, Katie will be coming down... for 2 months. lol. I was like 'what are you trying to save money on electricity and shit mom?" I'm psyched I'm just sure that katie will be totally wanting to go home by the end of her stay. I figure a month is a good amount of time b/c last time she came down for 3 weeks and by the time it was time for her to leave she was like 'sad to go, happy to return" but hopefully i'll not be sick while she's here. I'm also only working about 4 days a week ::knocks on wood:: for right now. I might work more depending on if they can get any of these shifts covered.
So Ryan's school has 3 students who've qualified for the Junior Olympics coming up this summer. One of the National Olympic Team Coaches actually was talking about temporarily stealing one of them to train him for the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. That's a pretty damn cool prospect for a 13 year old. Anyway, not much going on right now. Trying to get the school off the ground (still). Trying to stay afloat (still). Not sleeping well due to my throat (again). It's gotta be like.. when my tonsils figure out that katie's coming here they are all about swelling and causing problems. I"m pretty tired so I'm being lazy about my format. Ha ha to you if you lose your place lol. Good luck finding it again. At least I'm still using caps for the beginning of the sentences. lol. Except there. But I think I'm gonna head off to bed right aboot now. That's it for now...
|
|
| Caution: Assload of sarcasm and fuming below. |
[17 May 2006|12:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Betrayed |
] |
Pretty tired of being the Bank of Bridget. Pretty tired of it indeed. Been that way since I had a fucking paper route. Dad would take 20 and go down to the bar. Then as I got older, Matt would take 20 and head out with his friends. Then I paid for some of his school. Then mom was in trouble with the house and I paid the mortgage for a good year or so. Then she borrowed 2 grand from me. A good reason I left was because I was tired of being milked dry.
What's different? Someone please tell me what's different? Rachael's drowning in debt and calls for her "wedding gift" which I then bump up from 50 to 75 (amongst multiple other times where she had no money). Ramona (Ryan's business partner - also the financial brains of the group) and Ryan and Jeremy (other business partner) all make the wise decision that they don't need a start up loan. Why would you want to have a safety net when there's Bridget? Who needs 50 grand in their pocket FOR JUST SUCH FUCKING OCCASIONS AS NOW. So now the money that they saved (which was no where near enough to try and accomplish what they're trying to accomplish) has been put toward a retainer for a lawyer because they're being sued. Meanwhile Jeremy and Ramona are so broke they're asking me for 30 bucks. Ryan and I have also been paying the insurance on the "company" vehicle since it was purchased. Just think. ALL of these fucking problems would be only minor inconveniences if they had gotten a business loan. Who said it was a stupid idea to forego the business loan? That would be Bridget. But that's ok though because they have a limitless credit card - which locks up on them twice a week. Bridget also had to "rescue" them on a "company" purchase that the card would not accept. Then I get told that the car insurance will be taken care of for both vehicles. And as I repeatedly remind Ryan that it's almost due he just waves me off and says "it's taken care of, I know, I know." Fast forward to the day before the insurance is due and I'm on my way to work.
Ryan: So uhm... how are we gonna take care of this. The cards locked up again. We need to make a payment on it before they'll unlock it."
Bridget: ::absolutely astonished at stupidity of this situation:: I don't know just fucking deal with it.
And Bridget ended up paying that too. Barely. BARELY. If somebody hadn't decided to just keep telling me it's taken care of instead of telling me the real situation, some money that was spent, that I thought we had, could have been saved instead, thus keeping us from this tight situation at present. But what do I know? Why would we take financial advice from the girl who's had money ever since she's started fucking working? Why would we listen to someone who's not in the business even though she's saved our asses multiple fucking times now(other occurences not listed)? I'm in a "pretty much fuck everybody who's in that business" mood because I feel like that's all I'm fucking good for. Bank of Bridget. Don't include me in anything, but it's cool if you wanna borrow some money. How about I'm tired of being treated like a second thought. How about you'll have to pry the fucking money from my cold, dead, rich hands now because you've abused this situation far too much.The banks closed now. I've been too nice about lending money out to not have any fucking clue whats going on. As much as you all hate to admit it, I'm part of this fucking thing too. And as far as Ryan knowing he couldn't pay for the insurance and waiting until the day before it's due to tell me this, that's nice. That's just nice. Way to fucking communicate, Ryan. I'm not going to try and extract information from you anymore. You don't like something and you don't tell me, fuck it. Sorry, but I was trying and you betrayed my fucking trust.
485 for insurance
188 for "business attire"
I'm waiting.
|
|
| yay |
[26 Apr 2006|04:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hopeless |
] |
first day of period is always best because...? no wait, it sucks and always does. i feel like an emotional fucking spaz and i'm always a bitch and i can't control it. i managed to slam my trunk on my fucking head trying to fit all the laundry in it, lost the fucking laundry soap and didn't notice till i got to the laundromat meaning i had to buy a bunch of those stupid little packets, put the fucking detergent into the fabric softener thing (which means that the soap wont be added till the last rinse and not just on one load, we're talking about half of the clothes we own.) but couldn't change washers becuase i had already put in all my quarters, and to top off that beautiful laundry experience i forgot to put in the fucking one thing i needed to have done today, so yay on that. then as i drive away i manage to piss of ryan in like less than 30 seconds. i'm having a beautiful fucking day folks let me tell you. enough to make somebody wanna jump off a fucking cliff.
|
|
| long time coming... |
[09 Apr 2006|12:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sleepy |
] |
so this is like the first update in over a month, i know. Let's see, went up to mass/nh saw the fam and becca and eme!sister lost some weight, brother gained some ::snicker:: always told him his metabolism would catch up with him.
Let's see, started working in the kitchen at work as well as waiting/ bussing/ bartending. And as if to prove that females do not belong in a restaurant kitchen, i promptly sliced off a nice chunk of my middle finger. My bird got it's wing clipped. That sucked ASS. Let's see... hmm... what else... what am I forgetting... hmmm... OH YEAH!! COULD IT BE THAT I GOT A NEW FUCKING CAR!!!??? yes. i believe that's it. 2003 mitsubishi galant. super sweet. all the warranties and extra fluffy stuff.
I broke my first board today for taekwondo. I think they said it took 90 lbs. of pressure to break. i was so thinking I wouldn't break it (btw please excuse the typing. i'm trying to get used to the bandaged finger). I started freaking out because it was my first Demo in front of all these people in the park and like..the Master Instructor called me up while rehearsing to do a form I've done a cajillion times and i blanked. I know i know this form and I just blanked. That's when I got nervous. I was like... oh shit, if I'm blanking on stuff now, what the fuck is gonna happen in front of those people. But it ended up going well. I was actually kinda surprised how easily the board broke under my first. Something I might find interest in later on.
I'm also in the middle of learning this form right now that I really like. There are a lot of chop-type hand movements and I just like the way it looks i guess. I wish I didn't have to work so much so I could like.. train all the time.
Either way, I think that's about it for now. Oh and amber came down and we hung out for my bday, which was cool. I'll get pics of the car up at some point. Maybe tomorrow if i can remember.
T-MINUS 6 DAYS AND COUNTING. Everybody keep your fingers crossed for my wonderful husband on April 15th. He tests for his blackbelt and I know he's going to be amazing! I'm so excited for him. Other than that... I think all is the same soooooo until later...
|
|
| Tagged by Emerald |
[27 Feb 2006|10:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crazy |
] |
Four jobs I've had
1. Bartender at a sports bar
2. lackey for Best Buy media section
3. Central Transporter at Salem Hospital
4. Pizza making Fool for Fauci's (which I shall eat upon my arrival next week)
Four movies I can watch over and over
1. Love Actually
2. Bend It Like Beckham
3. Lord of the Rings(the trilogy counts as one)
4. Princess Bride
Four places I have lived
1. Lynn, MA
2. Las Vegas, NV
3. Lakeland, FL
4. I wouldn't really count San Diego, but I got nothing else
Four TV shows I love
1. Simpsons
2. Family Guy
3. Futurama
4. Venture Brothers
Four places I've vacationed
1. Farmington, NH
2. Punta Gorda, FL
3. Sanbornville, NH
4. Where ever that campsite was with Emerald in NH
Four of my favorite dishes
1. roast beef 3 way (if done well could almost be sexual)
2. Emerald's Mom's lumpia ::drooooool::
3. chicken finger parm. calzone from fauci's
4. roast beef (or steak) and mum's potato salad
Four websites I visit daily
1. www.hotmail.com
2. www.penny-arcade.com
3. www.deadjournal.com
4. www.livejournal.com
Four places I would rather be right now
1. IN MASS CAUSE I CAN'T WAIT!!!!
2. watching movies with Emerald somewhere
3. travelling the world with my husband(but that's a constant answer really)
4. at my mom's house, if only for a little while
Four people I am tagging
1. mcwonthelottery
2. iceagequeen
3. deathfey (if she ever even signs in anymore)
4. darthemerald (BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO ANSWER AGAIN BUAHAHHA)
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7){kind=small}
foiilej's journal
